Thursday, 9 October 2014

The best customer service explanation.... Ever... 

Cust: How long will it take to clear my cheque?

Exec: 3 days sir

Cust: My bank and the payee bank are next to each other, so why 3 days?

Exec: There are few procedures to follow... For ex:

You are going for a trip and there is a graveyard on the way, and you die 2 meters before it. Will they take you and burry in the graveyard immediately? No, they will take you to your house, do all the respects and then bury you later, after all those long procedures....

Similarly banks do follow rules too.... 
A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test.

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.

The next day, the man came with the empty bottle & said he tried with his left hand then right hand.

Then his wife tried with her left hand & right hand.

Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth.

Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way.....
but..........

Nobody could open the damn Bottle....! ! !

I respect ur thinking

I don't send dirty jokes!!!

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Cant stop laughing
Taxiwala:-
"Saheb Break fail ho gayi hai, Gaadi rukti nahi, kya karu?"
Gujrati Passenger :- "PEHLE TU METER BAND KAR.!" 
A husband wakes up with a hangover....
He opens his eyes n sees aspirins and water.

He sits down & sees his clothes all clean & pressed....

He takes the aspirin & finds a note "honey, breakfast's on table, i left to buy groceries. Love you"

Totally shocked,
He goes to the kitchen 4 breakfast there he finds his son & asks him "What happened last nite?".

Son says "Well Dad u came home. @ 3am, drunk & delirious, broke all d crockery, puked in the hall & made a total mess....

Confused he asks, "then y is everything in order?"

Son says, "Oh! Mom dragged u 2 the room tried 2 take ur clothes off & you said "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
I cnt ditch her....

MORAL:
Self induced hangover- Rs 400
broken Crockery- Rs 1000
But saying the right thing when drunk-..... PRICELESS !!!

Saturday, 4 October 2014

,
Exams ke Pehle Santa ne ek hi
Essay Ratta mara tha -
'MY FRIEND'
,
Aur Exams me Question Aya ...
'MY FATHER'
Lekin Santa ghabhraya Nahi...
Hushari dikha ke "Friend" ki
jagah pe "Father " word likh kar
aa Gaya....
Jis Examiner ne uski
answersheet check ki
woh aj tak behosh hai !!
,
Santa wrote:
I Am A VERY FATHERLY Person. I
Have LOTS Of FATHERS. Some Of
My Fathers Are MALE
And Some Are FEMALE.
My MOTHER Is VERY CLOSE TO
MANY Of MY FATHERS. My UNCLE
Is Also MY FATHER. My True
FATHER Is My
NEIGHBOR... And I Love My All My
Fathers
B'coz
Har Ek FATHER ZARURI HOTA HAI.!
Santa Singh Interview Ke Liye Gaya. Naukri Already Boss Ke Salle Ko Mil Chuki Theeee.
Par Formality Ke Liye Interview Jarrori Tha.

Isliye Aise Sawaal Pucche Ja Rahe Thee Jinka Kol Matlab Nahin Tha.

Santa Ki Bari Aaye...

Interviewer : Aap Nadi Ke Beech Ek Boat Par Ho Aur Apke Paas 2 Cigarettes Ke Alawa Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai.
Apko 1 cigarette Jallane Hai. ? Kaise Jalogee ?

Santa Singh Very Serious. ...

Sir Iske 3-4 Solutions Ho Sakte Hai...
,
,
,
Interviewer Shocked Lekin Kaha Bataooo.






Santa Ke Out Of The World Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it
in the Water. So the boat will become
LIGHTER…….. using this LIGHTER you
can light the other Cigarette

Interviewer:- Kya Bakwas Hai...


Santa's another deadly answer.

Scroll down a
little



Another solution: You throw a cigarette
up and catch it. Catches win Matches.
Using the matches that you win, you
can light the cigarette


Interviewer:-Stupid


Santa :- Sir one more Solution….

scroll down…



Take water in your hand and drop it
drop by drop…(TIP – TIP)

Interviewer:- Abey Gadhe Usse Kya hoga..

Santa:- Sir Apne Wo Gana Nahin Suna

“TIP TIP barsa Pani.
Pani ne aag lagayee.”
us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee”…


Santa:- Sir If that was not enough, i have one more solution….

scroll down


Start praising one cigarette, The other
will get jealous & “jalney lagega”

Interviewer:- Santa ji Aapke Pair Kidhar Hai.....


Maruti 800 ki nilami ho rhi the. Boli lagi
15 lakh
20 lakh
40 lakh

Husband : is khataare gadi me aisa kya hai?

Seller : iske 23 accident hue hai, har bar sirf biwi mari hai

Husband : iski maa ki
...... 1 crore ...... !!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ
People drink  & smoke for few days & get addicted to it ....!

I'm studying๐Ÿ“š since nursery 

But still not addicted to studying

This is called 'self control'
๐Ÿ˜›

----

It is impossible to lose weight just by eating salads. Ever looked at buffaloes? They eat only grass.


-------------------------

Great Confusion:
Jawahrlal Nehru said
"LAZINESS IS YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY"
Mahatma Gandhi said
"ALWAYS LOVE YOUR ENEMY"
Ab batao bapu ki sune ya chachu ki?..

-------------------------

A Rabbit ๐Ÿ‡๐Ÿ‡Runs,Jumps
& Lives Only For 15 yrs.

While a Turtle ๐ŸขDoesn't Run
Does Nothing.
Yet lives for 300 yrs.

Moral:

Exercise Is Hell, Just Sleep
Well..

Baba Aaramdev
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.

Wife says:Watakushi Wa Anata Sukhi Deshu

I can’t believe you sat and read this as if you understand Japanese!

You are unbelievable!

I always knew you would read anything as long as it is about SEX…
Husband-Darling !! Tumhara naam hath pe likhu ya dil pe.??
�Wife-Idhar udhar Q likhte ho ??
Agar sacha pyar karte ho to sidhe apne property ke paper pe likho�.. !!!

Moral : biwi ke saamne style nai marne ka..!! ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜….

--------------------------------------------------------

Prabhu..

Yeh kya Moh-Maya hai?

Apna Baccha roye, toh dil me dard hota hai.
Aur doosre ka roye, toh sir me!

Apni Biwi roye, toh sir me dard hota hai.
Aur doosre ki roye, toh dil me! 

Sab prabhu ki maya hai

--------------------------------------------------------
A Man praying in 
Kumbh Mela...

Hey Prabhu, nyay karo...
...Hey Prabhu, nyay karo...

...Hamesha bhai-bhai bichhadte hai kumbh main...

Kabhi pati-Patni per bhi try karo.                    

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife : jaanu, kaash aap msg hote,
main aapko save karti, jab chahe padhti.

husband : kanjoos hee rahiyo,
Save hi karke rakhiyo, apni kisi saheli ko forward na kariyo !!!        

---------------------------------------------------------

Husband : Kaash main Ganpati hota. Tum roz meri pooja karti, mujhe laddu khilati, bada mazaa aata.

Wife : Haan, kaash tum Ganpati hote. roz tumko laddu khilati, har saal visarjan karti, naye Ganpati aate, bada maza aata ๐Ÿ˜€!!!!o
Don't miss dis
Its awesome

------------------------------------------------------

Train me ek Husband apni beautiful wife se jhagda krte huye ..

Tujhse Shaadi karke pachta raha hu , Dil karta hai tujhe kutto ke aage daal du ..

Saamne wala passenger ..

Bhow , Bhow Bhow , Bhow ..
Who are lizards?


Awesome answer
by a kid....

They are
those poor crocodiles who forgot to have Horlicks when they were young

-------------------

What is a Pizza..?


Awesome answer:

A Pizza.. is just a Paratha that went abroad
for higher education !

----------------------

What is the similarity between Media And Wife ?
Jab tak ek hi baat 100 baar na bata de, dono ke dil ko sukoon hi nahi milta...๐Ÿ˜€

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

...Husband: Have a Nice Day 
Wife: don't tell me what to do...

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

What's the best example of "once in a lifetime opportunity?
A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.:๐Ÿ˜›

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖


Ladkiyon ki aadhi zindagi husband ki "Talash" me.. Aur baki aadhi.. Husband ki "Talaashi" mein guzar jati hai.. 

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Aaj ka SUVICHAR ....
๐Ÿ’ฌ
"BADAAM khaane se utni
          Akkal nahi aati" ...
 "Jitni shadi ke bad
          Aati hai... "

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
Kashmir aur wife mein kya samanta hai-

Ans. Waise to dono h samasya hai... par padosi nazar daale to gussa aata hai...
 ๐Ÿ˜Ž
Always keep your spouse’s picture as mobile screen saver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say: if I can handle this, I can handle anything!… Superb Attitude for Life!!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
“Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday Don’t Excite You, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn’t motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work then you should change your spouse!!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…
But many people still go to their in-laws place..????

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day! Dad: What role are you playing? Pappu: A husband! Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
Man inside: “i am talking to my wife”



-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage.. She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!


-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Best one line ad by a married man on OLX For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x
. ๐ŸžMast joke ๐Ÿž

1 เค†เคฆเคฎी เค…เคชเคจे เคฌेเคŸे เค•े เคฒिเค
1เคฐोเคฌोเคŸ เคฒाเคฏा เคœो เคूเค  เคฌोเคฒเคจे
เคชเคฐ เคฅเคช्เคชเคก़ เคฎाเคฐเคคा เคฅा।
.
เคฌेเคŸा :- เคชाเคชा เค†เคœ เคฎै เคธ्เค•ूเคฒ
เคจเคนी เคœाเคŠเค—ां, เคฎेเคฐे เคชेเคŸ เคฎे เคฆเคฐ्เคฆ เคนै।
(เคฌेเคŸे เค•ो เคชเคก़ी เคธเคŸ्เคŸाเค•.... )
.
เคชाเคชा :- เคฆेเค–ा เคคुเคจे เคूเค 
เคฌोเคฒा เค‡เคธเคฒिเค เคคुเคे เคธเคœ़ा เคฎिเคฒी,
เคฎै เคœเคฌ เคคेเคฐे เคœिเคคเคจा เคฅा เคคो เคฎै
เค•เคญी เคूเค  เคจเคนी เคฌोเคฒเคคा เคฅा।,
( เคชाเคชा เค•ो เคญी เคชเคก़ी เคธเคŸ्เคŸाเค•.... )
.
.
เคชเคค्เคจी :- (เคนंเคธเคคे เคนुเค เคฌोเคฒी) เค†เคช
เคนी เค•ा เคฌेเคŸा เคนै।
(เคฎเคฎ्เคฎी เค•ो เคญी เคชเคก़ी เคธเคŸ्เคŸाเค•.... )

      เคšाเคฐो เค“เคฐ เคธเคจ्เคจाเคŸा...

        ๐Ÿ˜‡
Too Too Too Good... ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back...

Or that you could crawl into a hole???

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store...
He asked if he could help me...
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget it.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future , likely think before she
speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed upto a couple of inches and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

And remember

We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!!!!!


Boy ki engagement 1 bohut Khubsurat Ladki se fix hui... Woh dono pure din rat whatsapp se baat kiya karte rehte the.. Akhir vo raat aahi gaiiii... uss raat ladka , ladki ka ghoonghat uthaakar bola... "Tum wakai hi bahut khubsurat ho... Tumhe kya gift karu... Ladki sharmati hui boli...

"Adle hafte dammu tatmir tale... (Jammu Kashmir chale)..!!"

MORAL:-Kam se kam ek call toh kar lena chahiye tha. Whatsapp whatsapp whatsapp... Bus dekh liya whats app ka natija Ab ja dammu tatmir
DUKHI GHAZAL :

Ek Ajeeb Si Halat Hai Tere Jane Ke Baad ,
Bhuk Hi Nahi Lagti Khana Khane Ke Baad

Mere Paas 8 Samose The, Jo Mene Kha Liye
1 Tere Aane Se Pehle 7 Tere Jane Ke Baad

Neend Hi Nahi Aati Mujhe Sone Ke Baad
Nazar Kuch Nahi Aata Aankhen Band hone Ke Baad

Doctor Se Jo Pucha Iska Elaaj, Dekar 4 Tablets, Bola.
Kha Lena 2 Jagne Se Pehle, 2 sone ke baad...
Gaur farmaaiye 

 Arz Kiya-
Mehfil me hamare joote kho gaye to ham ghar kaise jayenge?
Mehfil me hamare joote kho gaye to ham ghar kaise jayenge?

Kisi ne kaha-"Aap shayari to shuru kijiye
itne milenge ki aap gin nahi payenge". ๐Ÿ˜‹
✔
 For the very first time . . English Shaayari
Purely Scientific......
1⃣
When U Breathe, U Respire.
Wah wah
When U Breathe, U Respire !
Wah wah kya baat hai
When u Don't Breathe,
U Expire.
Subhanallah ๐Ÿ˜…
๐Ÿ˜‡Maar hi daala...๐Ÿ˜ด
2⃣
Arz hai-
roz roz weight napkar kya karna hai,
ek din to sabne marna hai
char din ki h zindagi,
kha lo jee bhar ke,
agle janam to phir 3 kilo se hi start karna hai.
3⃣
Killer shayari :
1. Arz kiya hai..
LIC wale bhi ghazab dhate hai
Wah wah
LIC wale bhi ghazab dhate hai
Logon ki biwiyon ke paas ghanton baithke
Unke husband ke Marne ke fayde batate hai
4⃣
 Kavi ka beta school mein.
Teacher: what is a noun?
Student: Arz kiya hai..
Kutta bhi Hota hai apni gali mein king
Wah wah
Noun is the name of any Person, Place or Thing

5⃣
Kabhi tum gor se dekho aaina
Wah wah
Kabhi tum gor se dekho aaina
Khud hi hanskar kahoge
Made in China
Made in China
6⃣
Arz kiya hai
ACP ne laash se poocha 'khoon kisne kiya batao'
Wah wah..
ACP ne laash se poocha' khoon kisne kiya batao'
Laash ne hanskar kaha '
Melody khao khud jaan jao'

Basaaj ke liye itna hi..
Terrific one-liners:

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Real friends are the ones who survive transition between address books.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come!
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!
Cheers !!!


Great lines by K V Ramachandran Nair:

"Change cannot be given to you every time. You must bring the change."

Who's K V Ramachandran Nair?

He is a bus conductor. Now read it again!!
TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
๐ŸŽ‹
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What?"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


Friday, 3 October 2014

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the words"COMPLETE"and "FINISHED".Some people say there is no difference btwn " COMPLETE" and" FINISHED", but there is. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE and when you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED! When your wife catches you with another woman you are COMPLETELY FINISHED and when your wife like shopping so much you are FINISHED COMPLETELY!!!
Investment Banker
Was Getting Married.

During Wedding,

Wife Vomits..

Husband~"What Happened ?"

Wife~"Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ

Mutual fund investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing.
MUST READ, M STILL LAUGHING:
Family Problems

Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems..
Shot after shot...

The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can't marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now
have a lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love.. I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.'

The Indian fainted........!!
A couple  watching an IPL  match on the TV  together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee

Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies ๐Ÿ˜† like his brother.

Husband:  He does not have an actor brother

Wife: What about Bruce Lee 

Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Husband: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta 

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter๐Ÿšก.

Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It’s a free hit. 

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a ‘ free’ hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying ‘HI’ to?

Husband: He is signalling a ‘Bye’.

Wife: Why is he saying ‘Bye’. Is the game over๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†?

Wife: How many runs to win?

Husband: 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball

Husband turns off the TV .

Wife turns it on and watches ‘vani rani ’ ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

Husband: Who is this vani rani ?

Wife: unga aaya . Don’t you dare disturb me.
๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

Husband: 
HR Manager in Heaven!!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules."

And with that God put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found God waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and said:
 ...
 ...
 ...
 ....
 ....
 ....
 ....
 "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee".
Pakisthan Tv reports the success of their maiden Satellite to Mars.
The TV also confirmed The satellite not only reached Mars but also send pictures of water and living organism , fish , shark,sea turtles.
From a heart surgeon's diary :
 Anxious patients & their dear ones always ask me a lot of odd questions.But today the wife of one of my bypass patients made me speechless.She asked me "Doctor,did you find any other woman in his heart ?" ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ
1. Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"Wife: I'm dying..!Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair…"Husband: "Bloody English Language!”

2. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems,No TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok. On the way home..Husband: What did the doctor say ?Wife:- No chance for u to survive.

3. ''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

4. Woman Buys A New SIM Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

5. A kid was beaten by his mom.Dad came n asked - what happen son?Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

6. On an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife. WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him! SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera

7. Wife: Do you want dinner?Husband: Sure, what are my choices?Wife: Yes and no.
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB!
---
Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back....
After 6 hours and then analyse The situation..

If they are counting the
Bricks.....
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them......
Put them in Auditing ..

If they have messed up the Whole place with the bricks......
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order......
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other......
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.....
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks Into pieces......
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.....
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried Different combinations,
yet Not a brick has Been moved,.....
Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for The day......
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the Window......
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then the last but not least....

If they are talking to each Other....
and not a single brick Has been Moved.
Then....
Congratulate them and put them in
Top Management!!!
๐Ÿ˜†
4 friends meet 30 years after
school....

One goes to take food while
the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied
economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own
development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked him about his son.

He said his son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the father, he is doing good.

" Last week on his birthday
he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his
boyfriends..." .

All the 3 fathers fainted ....

This particular joke won
an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.
A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address etc.
And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ and says, “Thats too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that."

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

 “No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Acct :“ Brilliant !!! Poultry Farmer it is!!!๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“
A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.

Girl forgot her bra n panty in car.

The wife found them, tore them up n shouted: U dirty bastard u hv been screwing ur secretary.

Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back. Bitch u hv just destroyed d only evidence of a high profile rape case I have been working on. U can now forget abt diamond necklace u were asking for,

Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer walked away wid a smile...

Moral:
Combodia's
national fruit is Banana
and
India's national business is
Chutia Banana.๐ŸŒ
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
A couple went to a Sex Therapist office at a BIG Corporate Hospital.

The doctor asked,"What can I do for you?"

The man said,"Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"and charged them Rs.1300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked,"exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, ."We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Oberoi charges Rs. 15000,

Taj charges Rs.14000 ,

Le Meridian charges Rs.12500.

We do it here for Rs.1300,

Punch line is yet to come..........

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I get that 1300, back from MediClaim.

๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away.
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT PLACES OF INDIA :

Scenario 1 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on..
That's MUMBAI..

Scenario 2 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.. The first two get together and beat him up..
That's DELHI.

Scenario 3 : Two guys fighting and third guy comes from a nearby house and says "don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else." 
That's BANGALORE.. 

Scenario 4 : Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer.. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends..
You are definitely in GOA...


Scenario 5 : Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles..  Now 50 guys are fighting..
You are in PUNJAB.

Scenario 6 : Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them.. 
You are in BIHAR..

Scenario 7 : Two guys fighting. First guy started beating the second guy, the Third guy comes and joins with first guy and beats second guy without knowing anything.. ๐Ÿ˜ต
You are right
 (Tamilnadu)..

Last Scenario: Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there 
That's KERALA......
A Lady visited a Bar for the First Time, She Sat on the Table in Front of the Bar Tender..

A Guy at Her Left side ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single"

A Guy at Her Right Side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

The Bar Tender Looked at the Lady & said: And You..??

Lady replied: "kalyani karuppusamy" Married
A warning notice in a factory for female workers.

"If your skirt is long, stay away from the engines.

And

If it is short, stay away from the engineers." 
YENNA RASCALLA ... RAJNIKANT IS BACK WITH LATEST COLLECTION ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 When Rajnikant was a student … TEACHERS used to BUNK the CLASSES!!! ๐Ÿ˜†
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant purchased a road roller …

Guess why???

To IRON his CLOTHES!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Once a farmer replaces scare crow in the farm with Rajnikant’s statue ... BIRDS returned GRAINS they took LAST YEAR as well!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If Rajnikant works in BPO ... CLIENTS would WORK in SHIFTS!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking, "Solve any 100 questions" ...

He solved all 150 and wrote, "Rascalla! CHECK ANY 100!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One day Rajnikant thought to play cricket in monsoon ... RAIN STOPPED due to PLAY!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Tonight at 9 Rajnikant can be seen in the sky … as he is PARTICIPATING in the Asian Games’ HIGH JUMP event!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant's next project is the Titanic in Tamil. However, he has twisted the climax ... both the lead actors and the ship survive ... Rajnikant SWIMS across the Atlantic Ocean  with the HEROINE in one hand ... and the TITANIC in the other!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant doesn’t breathe … AIR comes to HIDE in his LUNGS!!! ๐Ÿ’ญ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Once a photo of Rajnikant was given for Xerox.

Don’t even try to guess what happened … we got two copies of the Xerox machine!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Once upon a time Rajnikant used tooth powder to get strong teeth ... today that powder is known as AMBUJA CEMENT!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant can produce fire by rubbing two ice cubes!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant runs until treadmill gets tired!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In the back cover of WORLD RECORD BOOKS its written, "All records are held by Rajnikant ... listed names are second in place!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant added Facebook as his friend!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Once Rajnikant was on hot seat in KBC ... and computer needed to choose the questions!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant can whistle in five different languages!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If Rajnikant's PC hangs ... its time for next Windows release by Microsoft!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Rajnikant can send WHATSAPP from a roadside PCO!!! 
After the war, Hanumanji submitted his Travel Allowance Bill for his official tour for collecting Sanjeevani Booti to Ayodhya administration.

The Auditor in Bill Section raised 3 objections :

(1) Hanumanji did not take prior permission of the appropriate authority (Bharat), the King of Ayodhya, during the relevant time for his travel

(2) Hanumanji being Grade 2-officer was not entitled to air travel;

(3) Hanumanji was asked to bring Sanjeevani Booti, just a single plant, but he carried a whole mountain (unauthorized excess baggage).

The Auditor returned the bill. King Ram could do nothing except mark it down for re-examination.

A worried Laxman approached the Auditor and offered a bribe of 20% of the T.A.Bill amount.

The Auditor now wrote on the Bill :

Re-examined :
1. Even during the relevant time, Ram was still the king through his Paduka.

2. Further in an emergency, non-entitled officers can be authorized ex-post facto to fly.

3. Also excess baggage is justified as bringing a wrong plant would have entailed multiple journeys with extr a cost; hence bill may be paid.

Ram ji shocked
Accounts department rocks๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Š
Wife:How much do you love me
Husband:l love you so much ,l can't measure.
Wife:No just tell me.
Husband:Okay, l am like a cell phone & you are my sim card, l am nothing without you.
Wife:wow! dats so romantic.
Husband:(saying to himself):Thank God she doesn't know l'm a China phone, with FOUR sim cards.........
Award Winning Joke

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is?” son!

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

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("I really LOVED reading next line again and again")

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GOD is missing, and they think we did it !!!!!!!!!! !!!
 Husband: last night I was sitting in d living room, talkin 2 my wife about life.. In-between, we talked about d idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines n liquids from a bottle. If you see me in dat state I want you to disconnect all d contraptions dat r keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.'
My wife got up from d sofa with dis real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral :
Think before you speak. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜œ
Hindi Songs & their Medical Meanings:-

 Jiya Jale Jaan Jale, Raat Bhar Dhuan Chale..
๐Ÿšจ– Fever

Tadap Tadap Ke Is Dil Se Aah Nikalti Rahi..
๐Ÿšจ– Heart Attack

Suhani Raat Dhal Chuki, Na Jaane Tum Kab Aoge..
๐Ÿšจ– Constipation

Bidi Jalayle Jigar Se Piya Jigar Ma Badi Aag Hai..
๐Ÿšจ– Acidity


Tuje Yaad Na Meri Aayi Kisi Se Ab Kya Kehna..
๐Ÿšจ– Alzheimer’s

Mann Dole Mera Tann Dole..
๐Ÿšจ– Vertigo

Tip-Tip Barsa Pani, Pani Ne Aag Lagayi..
๐Ÿšจ– Urinary Infection

Dil Dhadak-Dhadak Ke Keh Raha Hai..
๐Ÿšจ– Hypertension

Aaj Kal Paaon Zameen Par Nahi Padte Mere..
๐Ÿšจ– Corn On Feet

Haay-Re-Haay Neend Nahi Aaye..
๐Ÿšจ–Insomnia

Batana Bhi Nahi Aata, Chupana Bhi Nahi Aata..
๐Ÿšจ– Piles

And Sabse Mast

Lagi Aaj Saawan Ki Phir Wo Zadi Hai..
๐Ÿšจ– Loose Motion


Beemari purani hai - msg naya hai!
๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜€